Culture Challenge of the Week: Underperforming Dads
One of the saddest comments I’ve ever heard came from an embittered college student named Carly.
“He’s not my dad. He’s just a sperm donor.”
She didn’t mean it literally - her mom and dad were married and had two kids, Carly and a younger brother. But Carly felt every bit as abandoned as a child who had never known her father.
Why? Because her dad rarely was home. He worked hard, and putting together high-stakes financial deals had always seemed to crowd out time for ordinary things such as dinner with Carly and her brother. He filled the kids’ college funds but was never there to drive Carly to high school band practice or performances or help her brother choose the right baseball glove.
His words of love rang hollow. Years of hurtful neglect - in spite of material comfort - had hardened Carly’s heart to the point that she didn’t care anymore. At least that’s what she told herself. She had given up on her father’s love.
I thought of Carly’s story as I remembered my own wonderful father on Father’s Day and thanked God for the amazing father my husband is to our children.
What do kids need most from their dads?
Research shows clearly how important fathers are in a child’s life. Children raised in homes without a father - currently about one-third of all U.S. children, according to the U.S. Census Bureau - are more likely to be poor or suffer health problems. They are more likely to underperform in school, get in trouble with the law and engage in high-risk behaviors (teen sex, drinking and drugs).
But even children who have a father “present” may experience “father-hunger” - with consequences for their emotional health and eventual success in life. On the flip side, children whose fathers are emotionally available and responsive fare better as adults than children whose fathers are not.
I asked a seasoned dad I know for his perspective, and it made sense of Carly’s anguish.
“What kids need from their fathers is their ’daily bread.’ Like God - our Father - does for us, we need to give our kids what they need to thrive as human beings today, not in some far-off future.”
Wise words. Love must be practical. Words alone won’t feed a child hungry for her “daily bread.”
How to Save Your Family: Be a Provident Dad
A provident dad - one who provides ’daily bread’ - inspires trust, affection, gratitude and love. A child well-provided for emotionally, spiritually and physically is a child who feels loved.
So what does that mean practically?
First, what it’s not - “providing well” does not require wealth. Nor does it mean fulfilling every wish or material desire our kids have.
It starts by providing spiritually: Pray daily for your children. If you don’t, who will? Shepherd them firmly, daily, in character growth. Choose a virtue for your children to work on. Encourage your children as they try to live it and pray for the wisdom to know which faults to overlook for today.
Second, provide emotionally. Fill their “love tanks” daily, as author Ross Campbell says in his timeless classic “How to Really Love Your Child.” Send a message of love each day by spending one-on-one time, giving physical affection and making eye contact (with your child, not your smartphone, when your child is speaking).
Third, tend to their daily concerns. Football tryout coming up? Get out there in the 95-degree heat and help your son master a spiral. A big test tomorrow? Offer to review the material with your daughter, quiz her or simply tell her you’ll pray for her while she takes it.
Fourth, ask other, more experienced dads to share the tips and strategies that have helped them be good dads. The Awesome Dad Cheat Sheet (https://artofmanliness.com/2008/08/03/18-tips-for-being-a-great-dad/) is a great list, written by a father of six, full of practical, time-tested tips to help you be the father your children need.
Finally, just be there. Presence matters.
You are, after all, irreplaceable.
* Rebecca Hagelin can be reached at rebecca@howtosave yourfamily.com.
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