Sage Advice

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m a little nervous. My ex-girlfriend Rihanna is about to go on television and talk to Diane Sawyer. It’s the first time she’ll be publicly addressing the night I got so famously violent with her. I don’t know what she’s gonna say, but I know it won’t make me look good.

I’m still in the spotlight, so I gotta think about these things. I’m going to be the first cover boy for the newly resurrected Vibe magazine. That’s a big deal. I need to keep my career going. Is it possible to do that even though my ex is talking trash about me?

- Chris Brown

We don’t give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give ’em plenty of publicity.

- Will Rogers

My autobiography is called “Open,” but now I’m wondering if I’ve been a little too open.

People were shocked enough when I said I took meth for a year. I even failed a drug test - but managed to talk my way out of it.

But I just keep coming out with more revelations. I’ve revealed my ex-wife, Brooke Shields, kept a photo of Steffi Graf on the fridge to motivate her to lose weight before our wedding. Now I’m married to Steffi! Weird, huh? Even weirder is what I said about my hair. I had a fake weave that I thought was going to fall out during a match.

Do you think I’m shocking people just a little too much with all this openness?

- Andre Agassi

Dear Andre,

Never be surprised at the crumbling of an idol or the disclosure of a skeleton.

- John Emerich Edward Dalberg-Acton

I might be most famous these days for being unlucky in love. Besides looking unattractive in mom jeans, anyway.

I wonder if it’s because I’ve been picking the wrong men. Someone asked me recently what my ideal guy would be like, and I surprised a few people with my answer. I said I get bored easily, so I really love intellectual men. They’re so intriguing. And they can teach me things.

I guess I’m wondering if a guy like that would be interested in me, though. I’m not exactly known as a genius.

- Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

- Aldous Huxley