Our 6-year-old son, who was a 30-week preemie, does not receive affection very well — only when initiated by him, which is not often. He is a middle child, and his behavior has become a bigger struggle with the birth of our third son, whom he likes to reject openly.
At bedtime, specifically, he will purposefully hide under the blankets and react angrily if I force a kiss on him. My dilemma is that I don’t know if I should leave it alone and hope he will come out of it or if I should, as I have been doing, kiss him anyway so that he knows he is loved no matter what.
On the other hand, he is the child who brings me flowers and makes sure my focus is only on him during school activities and performances. I feel sad when I allow him not to get the goodnight love. Am I taking it too personally?
A: In the 1960s, comedian David Steinberg did a skit in which he played a psychiatrist. He would begin every session by telling his patient, in a mock German accent, “Unt vemember! Everyzing counts!” In that regard, I am fascinated that you felt it necessary and/or relevant to tell me that this child was born prematurely. That surely has nothing to do with his not wanting to kiss you goodnight, but I’m sure Herr Doctor Steinberg would agree that your feeling the need to mention it certainly counts.
It says you are highly anxious about this child and have been since he was born. It says that you read significance into even the most trivial of his behaviors. All of this anxiety and obsessing is focused on his refusal to kiss you at bedtime. So, I have to wonder: If I help you release yourself from the bondage of desperately wanting him to return your bedtime kiss, what will you begin obsessing about next?
Yes, you are taking this much too personally. Your son, furthermore, most definitely is aware that you are taking this very personally and that giving him a kiss at bedtime has taken on apocalyptic importance to you.
You have given him power, and children don’t know how to handle power over adults. It confuses them at the same time it intoxicates them. So, they inevitably abuse it. They use it rudely, arrogantly, belligerently and self-centeredly. Pulling the blanket up over his head and refusing to accept a kiss from you is all of those things. In short, your son is working this situation for all it’s worth, and who, truly, can blame him?
I’m going to speculate that six years of anxiety has become stifling to your son’s sense of independence. It must be oppressive to be the focus of so much attention, after all, especially when the attention takes the form of lots of hand-wringing over the most trivial of things. I’m getting around to telling you that the solution to this “problem” lies with your backing off, relaxing and letting things begin to take their natural course.
In that regard, I advise you simply to tell him, rather casually, one day (this afternoon perhaps?): “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I’ve decided that you are big enough and responsible enough to begin putting yourself to bed without anyone’s help. Furthermore, it’s fairly obvious that this is what you want. So, I’m not going to put you to bed any longer, beginning tonight. This is a great privilege, and I know you’re going to handle it responsibly.”
Then turn back, nonchalantly, to whatever it was you were doing, thus closing the book on that chapter in your life with him.
Then, for your own sake, as well as his, stop thinking of him as a 30-week preemie. He’s a 6-year-old boy who needs his mom to stop worrying about him.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his Web site (www.rosemond.com).
Please read our comment policy before commenting.